The following is purely satirical and completely fictional.

In response to an increase in undergraduate COVID-19 cases on campus, University Health Services (UHS) has enacted new policies to enhance support for students who test positive for COVID-19 .

“Our deepest condolences go out to the students who recently contracted COVID-19,” said UHS President Dr. John Dolittle. “We want you to be aware of some of the new and important resources available to isolated students that contain our thoughts and prayers comprehensively.”

Recently quarantined student Ronna Cobb ’24 told The Daily PrintsAnything that the new “Think and Pray” policy will provide much-needed support that previous policies did not.

“I was worried about how COVID-19 would affect students this semester after the university removed some of its restrictive COVID-19 policies.” I feel like I finally got the help I need now that I know I’m in need of help, not being able to leave my dorm to eat or having to struggle with slow Zoom calls for lectures. I have thoughts and prayers now!

However, not all students are in favor of this plan.

“The plan looks great, but it’s a bit superficial,” said Runni Knowes ’26. “I’m just going to spit here, but I think what’s missing from Princeton’s plan is a daily rally to boost the morale of COVID-positive students.”

When asked if President Biden’s recent proclamation on ending the COVID-19 pandemic had influenced “Think and Pray” policies, Dolittle said they realized when they “slapped this in unison.” He explained that he had not.

“Students of all religious identities and practices have access to college thought and prayer,” Dolittle noted.

Michelle Ho is a Humor Contributor and First Year Future Classics Concentrator. You can contact her at michelle.ho@princeton.edu.

George Tidmore is a humor contributor and first-year student interested in studying German and linguistics. His contact is his gt3974@princeton.edu.

do my best ‘prince’ Delivered directly to your inbox. Register Now »