Here’s why the idea that all queer people are born that way doesn’t advance equality.

When you tell people you’re queer, they assume you were “born that way.” I was not. These reductive generalizations have often made me feel different—both by gay and straight people—over the years. I understand that’s true for a lot of people, but for me, it’s not. Sorry Lady Gaga, but your oversimplification places sexuality in a rigid binary and ignores that sexual orientation can change throughout a person’s lifetime.

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My story goes like this: I fell in love with a woman after years of happy encounters with men. This year, my partner and I are celebrating a decade of love, and I’m so grateful that we’re together. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

“You’ve been gay all this time!” is the face I often encountered when I first revealed my own sexuality to people. You see, for me, it’s not that I’ve been gay all my life and finally come out. When I fell in love with my partner of 10 years, everything happened under my nose. She likes to joke that we’ve been dating for months, but I didn’t know that. I don’t think she’s wrong.

When I finally realized I was in love, it was important for me to tell my close friends and parents immediately. There’s a cultural history to the release of this big moment — it became a sort of queer narrative device. For me it was simple. I’m dating this new person, and she’s a woman. Basta.

When I told my mother that I was dating a woman, she looked at me with a smile and said, “And now you won’t have to worry about a man.” I love him for this moment. In 2018, my mom made it a point to attend the Pride Parade with me and my partner to show her support. Video footage of us in the crowd at the parade ended up in the Pride segment of CP24, and it was played on loop all day this Sunday. What you need to understand is that my mother is a teacher with the York Catholic District School Board – the board that recently voted against flying the pride flag in all schools this Pride month. The next day, when my mother returned to school, two young teachers approached her and said, “We saw you on TV! and gave him a huge hug. Thinking about that moment still makes me cry. She continues to fight for gay rights on her school board, and I’m so proud of her.

While sharing my new relationship was painless enough with my friends and family, I felt uncomfortable revealing my queer identity to my peers and colleagues in the fashion industry, and the feeling was confusing.

In my experience, the fashion industry has been a truly welcoming and liberating space where people are encouraged to be themselves. But as I began to embrace the complexities of my identity as a queer woman, I encountered a predominantly heteronormative landscape where the visibility of queer women was limited (read: basically non-existent).

It can isolate you when you feel like you’re the only one in the room. Lack of representation meant navigating spaces where my experiences were often ignored or misunderstood. I remember being continually asked in work situations if I had a boyfriend and had to explain myself.

That’s why when people like Cara Delevingne and Jenna Lyons started sharing their stories, it was a big win for queer female representation in fashion. Jenna Lyons, for example, has a similar story to me. She dated later in life after falling in love with a woman. Unfortunately for her, she was ousted by the New York Post before she could tell her family and friends on her own terms.

The feelings of joy I get every time I get to know a new queer woman in the fashion industry also made me realize that I, too, have a responsibility to tell my story.

I founded Matte PR, a PR agency representing some of the biggest fashion brands and organizations in Canada, such as Ahiri, Hania Kuzbari Jewelry, INLAND and Toronto Fashion Incubator, in 2016. When the agency started, I had to hang out with colleagues, clients and collaborators on a weekly basis. It was tiring.

Over time, I made a conscious effort to be more “out” in the workplace — even making it a point to note that Matte PR was directly owned by gay people in our company bio. It was liberating not having to hang out with people all the time. Everyone deserves equality whether they are gay, straight, bi, trans or many of those things at different times. It doesn’t matter if they figured it out years ago, months ago, or reading this.

Sexuality is a complex spectrum that is not easily categorized, and it is a fluid and evolving thing for many people. The cultural notion that “I couldn’t change that if I wanted to” lacks a lot of nuance, and it shuts out those of us who don’t completely relate. He panders to the idea that being gay is wrong, but because you can’t help it, you have to accept it.

I am grateful that my experience so far has been mostly positive. The people who have been part of my story have embraced my identity, but I hope it’s not because they assume I was “born that way.”

Photography by @maytruong_photography And @d.gdoyo. Art direction and production by @feelngoodstudio. Hair and makeup by @hairbykristjan. Haircut by @triciamcq For @sassoontoronto. Shot on location at @victoiresocialclub.